rebirth................

to where the mind roams free ......
to live like kings and die like emperors is what mortals desire deep within the closets of their insecurities reinforced by experiences of ridicule from the world within and snubs without... death of an idea comes not from the rejection of it but from the abandonment of it...how many years have you walked this earth ...how many times have you died in the hands of embarrassment ...and how many times have you been reborn...is rebirth actually so painful as we make it out to be ...is rebirth not the sign of life itself ...does it not epitomise the kicking feeling of being alive and can anyone deny that THAT itself is the biggest adrenalin rush that possibly could be .....going back to school ..studying again....competing again....winning again..losing again...re doing your hair again ...changing your dwelling place again...falling in love again ...are these not signs of rebirth.....re kindling of the youthful buoyant spirit that one so aften mistakes as arrogance of youth......it like learning to unlearn...teenage...the swinging twenties..the steady thirtites and bang you are brought face to face with what you require to make the difference in the last lap ...your youthful optimism ....your ability to start from scratch ..your courage to dissmantle every theory to it basic origins and rework bottom up ......life makes a fool of everyone of us in many ways than one could fanthom...and its lure guile and temptation is such that each one of us is lured back into the game ........to be fooled again ..and again...why do we celebrate one birthday a year if we are reborn every now and then lets celeberate our rebirths trust me evry day will be a party and the hangover ......left to imagination ..to each his own :-)

i carry your heart with me

to where the mind roams free ......

I somehow just love this poem so much that not only do i accept that i cannot get over it but want all to stand by it and enjoy it
e.e. cummings - i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

a heart born free........

to where the mind roams free ......fire n air ....fanning each others desires...the spark was spontaneous is an understatement...it began with a bang ...and the big bang theory which kicked off the milky way also states that matter was splashed away to create our universe ..while all other galaxies faded away leaving our little world drifting .....blissfully alone ...pristine ....this was our world ....born in the womb of uncertainty ,lack of passion and a bond grown weak.... the heart throbbed to survive...gasping for air in the form of recognition redemption acknowledgement not necessarily appreciation...was like a newborn gasping to emerge from the amniotic fluid that had protected only to encage....a heart born free.....it found me ...the air...the source of life...of sustenance.....idealism gave way to reality..creativity found a source of undiluted inspiration...ideas like pieces fell into the jigsaw puzzle....expectations formed the first part .....the bigger picture followed.....two diamensional initially.... the fire and air consumed all within to engulf ..to search for the third diamension..to meet....a rendezvous...clandestine...where the beauty innocuously conquered the beast......oo so hard for reality to measure up to expectation and its standards.......appreciation was love for one and acceptance was the binding force for the other......time for once was a bystander,silent waiting in rage for the disregard shown by the two hearts on fire.......words turned magical,the bond magnetic,flaws were discovered and discarded as realism faded into idealism ...dust to dust ashes to ashes.....the game between reality and idealism....all time favourite of time itself.......yet all was not as apparent to the naked eye... ..for the rate of consumption of air was far beyond its rate of supply...creating a mini vaccum in the heart of the burning fire...a vaccum which like a small black hole sucked in the environ..atleast it challenged to......a stray wind from the horizon swept across...splitting the fire into two...flames burning seperately...strongly ...independently....much to utter confusion....dismay of change.....is this possible ...one heart fanning two flames with equal intensity while the earth stood below silently watching the dance of death of one realtionship after another...........one decided to break free before total annihilation....guilty of having started a fission reaction which threatened every existing marital,maternal bond in sight.. a reaction which had gone beyond the control limits........the new born heart had grown more rapidly than its own expectation..outgrowing everything in its vicinity..........its nature unfolded...disclosed....scary to its own being....craving for a violent end ...surprisingly dreaming for it..yearning for it ......the motive thus supplied for rejecting the safer and embracing the dangerous......a bang yet again ...this little world split wide open...and i saw a glimse of the heart born free dissappear...at the speed of light ..moving further..and further away till the horizon could stretch no more ...lost in time .....for good.....an untamed heart now and forever cursed and blessed together......

To Monks and Ferraris ......

to where the mind roams free ......going home for a week is still better than not having gone at all for all the things the trip did to me and i cannot articulate or give form to .... my apologies the only tangible achievement stands out to be a book read in transit.."The monk who sold his Ferrari"

the year that just fades into memory is irrepressible by sheer multitudes of its ups and downs...quite non chalantly at last i am able to hold on to this statement as now in perspective it my career was there to support me when my personal front had fallen into an abyss.....where i was faced with Death of a loved one staring back and waiting for me to blink to the euphoria of having confronted fears and defeated them.The book talks about a professional who discovers post a trip down the Himalayan ranges that our desires for conveniences in life blind us to the inconviniences that they cause once acquired......he chooses to let go of them much in contrary to my own decision last year where i desperately clung on to my professional world... but yes i guess both of us chose to do what we thought was best ....it was a short trip where my 14 month old Niece demanded i become a toddler and regret the moment i laid eyes on her that the vacation had been longer...i purged my soul in the days spent .........rolling over soft white pillows almost as big as her,hiding among them ,tossing screaming bringing down the roof literally.....The path the journey the walk the trip was my treasure...my path of diamonds

As for the present am back in the concrete jungle ..not empty handed though ..i carry an indellible snapshot of the moment She emerged from a pile of 8 pilows and blessed me with her toothless grin........my shot in the arm for a long time ahead

3 nuggets of wisdom ...or realization

to where the mind roams free ......am still pondering over this one so let the restless mind wander








why is it that we so desperately want to celebrate our moments of happiness wiling to let go,to forgive and turn a blind eye to the hurt the pain of the recent past present....









there is only one way out and that is the way forward ...where the chin is up and heads held high and merrily we sing as we march along..................

I did not meet someone...

to where the mind roams free ......the voice had a charm that inadvertently had my head tilting...distracting me from the conversation which even at its birth was destined for an anonymous existence and premature death.....the muffled burst of words conveyed the elation ...a smirk .......a jest .......a challenge .......provocative intent underlying the rippling sound of laughter filtering across the room pushing at every eardrum to trigger a response in the nerves leading to left side of the cortex.....a grimace escaped the fairer sex in our group yet she continued on about how the bullish trends were expected to rule the market ...unfortunately i was not there anymore.... i vanished...... sublimation personified......the glitter of a diamond in a red earlobe concealed exposed hidden reborn ... a game... a series.... a sequence not yet defined by the mathematicians of fibonacci fame... her face hidden momentarily by the cumulo nimbus black threatening curls ...it was going to rain today....the breeze had the smell of first drops on parched land "Saundhi Saundhi Khushboo"..the white acrylic nails flashed like lightening as the ivory hand stroked an erring strand back into the dark congregation ....and just as it had eveolved almost magically the skies cleared ...the forehead prominent sliding into a pair of eyes which held a world within..the eyelashes enclosing the Kohinoors added a calmness a serenity a tranquility to the fire emanating from within ... i stood drenched by the incessant downpour floundering for words from a self proclaimed repertoire as i saw her walk past me......her frame swaying effortlessly....She walks in beauty...... a smile broke thru my lips as i stood reflecting upon the effect a woman had on me .....shameless...ridiculous..insane....word synonymous with my name that moment... i turned abruptly as if fleeing from a self confessed crime only to come face to face with the instigator.......its was time to shiver n dance in the rain ,there was no shelter in sight n i was looking for none.....

An hour later i was still with her n from a distance was still the cynosure of all eyes...we parted with a smile.... a brief embrace ....a hug non consequential otherwise but for the slandering eyes upon us.....i made my way alone towards the Patio thanking the hosts a true act of gratitude

...."i hope u enjoyed " the hostess beamed knowing it was one of those enquiries which had only one answer as always...."did u meet someone interesting?"......

Sometimes when opposites attract they do so till brought close together and yet once close enough the repulsion begins even as the distance decreases further....and further...the closer u get the more affirmed you stand that this was not meant to be...there is no feeling of hopelessness, no pangs of dejection ,no regretfulness...replaced within u is an aura of Positivity that both just met coz we had to meet there was no more to it than it was and will remain where we left it .....anonymous now n forever only to fade into memory...just like the conversation i had left for her

"Yes" i replied, "i did not meet someone" ............

elementary in nature

to where the mind roams free ......shadows in the dark...the redness of the orb dying with the cold pungent breeze..the sodium vapour blurs back into life...nightlife begins so does my evening with the evoulution of a thought ..a derivative actually of the loneliness.. the desolate feeling diffusing into me...feelings...... how pure are they...what is pure...which one is pure...the tingling sensation spreading across my palate as the cheese "pakora" melts down into the intricacy of injestion..mmm..this feeling is this pure...as a bong it is taken for granted that fish is what runs in my intestines yet surprisingly my father is allergic to fish and so was i till ...the mustard curry of prawns fed as an irresistable temptation by "ma" gave my taste buds a new lease of life..now i can say i have developed a tatse for fish too...naah!! this feeling as such can be procured and as per the definition of "PURE" it cant be it..for Pure form cannot be created or developed from or by anything ...it exists as the most basic form....flashes of euphoria at my first chess tournament selection ..my last day of examinations knowing never gain would i have to go through those courses again..my first job...first love....Happiness.... is happiness pure but isnt it true with growing years we have to find ways to be happy ...happiness is not effortfree..in fact in every form of happiness intrinsic is the underlying effort inserted ..an effort to fulfill our desires.and sometimes we find happiness in others desires....No surely happiness cannot be pure....so cant be tears or sorrow ..we cry on death and on birth..we cry on failure and success..it is a form in which sometimes our innermost feelings are betrayed to the alien..but not Pure...mmm ...tossing in my thoughts the restlessness grew on my being the insensitive harsh hand oblivious to its cruelty broke the inertia of the chalice propelling it to the ground.....shattering the peace and the white clay into pieces ..instinctively my awakened fearfull erring hand tried to undo the chaos..groping in the dark...searching ...till i found my answer....a piercing pain as the potter stood avenged...his clay incisively cutting thru my flesh....the feeling of pain....true pure..unblemished by age..untouched by pretence.. diplomacy...facade of expressions...i felt united once again with purity...i felt like a newborn child ... i had found purity in its most elementary form

Armageddon

a thousand knots it blows past you ........the flash of a glimpse of the blurring outline.... the contours taking an uncharacteristic detour...the extended defiant growth against gravity looming larger than life causing the senses to challenge each other at the vicissitude of a window flying by of a moving room with a view.... the reverberation of which reminds you that the room is dynamic much in contrast to your own static self...look down to see the ground below your feet vanishing ...a race against time...yet you do not fall to the contrary you dwelve further into my reverie and see a mirror image of your self running... competing ...trying valliantly to run the moving room down.....to a screeching halt... vision's rationality restored will it be?you search around you ...find your mind gliding over a field of white and then blood red roses..the roses fade into petals showered over a white concealer...the heart skips more than a panicked beat your uneasy fangs reach to liberate the hidden...........aahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! the moment u alway knew would come the expected yet unaccepted thought of Death of a life .....a life so close..... so loyal .....so unselfish..a life from whom the embryo was impregnated to propell a new life form "you" into the mortal world...the panic creeps slowly down your spine.. you desperately try n break free.....the running room again ..i can hear ......the hooter of the running room... hands with curved fingers beg to be picked up... to be cleansed from the vision.....

the alarm on the mobile kept by your side replaces the hooter of the moving room ....you rush to ascertain the change of guard of the patriarchy of your household and find the sight of your patriarch deep in slumber bring down a rain of relief.... it was dream...it sure was... a smile chuckle breaks between your two paired jaws.......sanity revisits ....saved by the alarm....the alrm ..o yes the tennis match with my friend .....time ....u reach for your saviour your mobile...a message awaits ...."sorry Sheel, cant make it for the match or work for a week ....dad passed away in his sleep yesterday night..Shiv"

our favouraite dumping ground

to where the mind roams free ...... to talk to your heart's content is to talk your heart out and when you speak from the heart you realise what a dumping ground the heart has become n how burdened the small fist sized organ has always been..(someone reminded me ).......so used to are we to deleting cookies,temp folders n emptying the recycle bin that wen all of a sudden your heart is unburdened of all the dumps ..the heart feels so much lighter you almost have a bounce in every step in every beat .........your deamons all at bay you feel reborn the fire within you rekindled......or as they say you reach an enlightened state........


i had read in OSHO books,books about meditation ,yoga gurus doctrines and the chineese methods of freeing the soul where you literally can detach yourself from your body and fly beyond the laws of gravity... a so called out of the body experience ...its short lived ...sadly for the fangs of reality bite into you to bring you down where the two coincide the mortal body and the caged burdened soul...so when do we attain nirvana.....well the path is simple......imagine urself in a state of the unburdened heart...where your soul rises a feet or two above the mortal flesh sitting below with folded legs and arms and you looking down upon seperating medium between the two......iddentify that medium(desires ,expectations,aspirations ,grudges,rejections,failures,anger,greed,lust....) it is different for each one of us .....it is that that keeps us from elevating our mortal body and merging with the elevated soul that is a feet above the ground ....to be able to superimpose your mortal body with your elevated soul is to attain Nirvana.....MOKSHA

What lies beneath the Lies

Omnipotent .....an impulsive companion .....a misleading lover....a bored worker.....a forgetfull husband......an evading wife.....lies are a reality hate it love it you just cant deny or run away from it...what is amazing is it generally can be carried off with elan without the blink or batter of the eyelid but the worst is that for all the times it fails n flounders it makes you regret, it makes you swear to leave it alone ...it brings u to your knees to escape the consequences of the truth of being caught out ...sadly fate shows no mercy......imagine walking past a maze of faces and carrying a face with you twelve blocks after the actual intersection letting your mind dive & dwelve in and out of the darker shades of your nature...giving in to the temptations of lust desire a pseudo orgasmic experience.....and then snapping out of it ..gasping for air.. a bead of sweat appearing on ur forehead...cheeks yeilding to the observant eye the betrayal of loyalty...."hey you ok wat happened????"... you hear a voice adding to the tension but by then as if instinctively you have your saviour by your side ...your impulsive companion........a lie
.....fanthom living thru your b'day celebrations which as you have grown up have been reduced from inhouse parties to a blast at the most happening disc in town ...the free flow of vodka n Smirnoff some spilling over on to your spirit ...your sense of judgement...blurring the line of what is acceptable as a part of chilled out behaviour of a gang hanging out....living life to others as if its the last night out and suddenly on the dance floor you come across an old falme ....the converstaion begins off where it had been halted....you lose sense of time n suddenly you feel ur spouse's hand on ur shoulder ....."who was that"...."o just a person i knew from college"...the misleading lie ...where u gain solace from the fact that you did not lie yet did not speak the whole truth.......

what lies beneath is the effort to preserve the present so as to protect the future... the means to an end is said is not important ....quite true....but then why try to justify that what u did was the right when its not...... relativity is a theory when applied to life takes away the power to judge n decide for from the other side of the court we all stand guilty as charged

WYSIWYG

what you see is what you get.......how much of what one sees does one get ....and when it boils down to the mathematics and statistics of it the denominator is always expectations......expectations...mmm.....demure little word.....seemingly insignificant..........inane....frail by its existence ..and yet so hopelessly unachieveable...imagine the plight of a child of not being able to live up to his parenst expectations.....the anger of a girl whose expectations her boyfriend shattered....the plight of a son who as a doctor could do nothing for his dying dad and has to face the look of expectation in his mother's eye......

and when i compare these to mine ...my expectations which i ...like a teller in a bank keep counting n recounting as to which were debited and which were not...it overshadows the credit i have in my relationship...and over powers my senses to the extent that i am blinded by emotions of hurt.....of sacrifice.....of not being recognised...and i find me consoling myself.......never mind ..it takes all kind of people to make this world the world which God created with a purpose and where each man has a part to play......the only question that i shout out to the eternity above... to the vast expanses that lay unconquered in the dark starlit sky above again and again as if i will find an answer and better still a messiah....is ......WHY Me....of all people why me ........i hope to find the answer coz i cannot die without it nor abandon the thought the reason choosing me

guilt conscience n rejection

rejection is the first step to healing of kinds .....the cut was always there ...blood oozing out relentlessly ... but rejecting someone ...its like the formation of a scab ...at first u think the blood flow,the pain will never stop..but it does .....then u think "my god its like a red scar i am marked for life the black scab is here to stay "...yet it peels off .....the white endodermis turns red then the mark fades into memory just like the person we reject......and sometimes only sometimes the mind wanders the hand searches to feel the hurt... the pain ...the wound...... the conscience stirs unplesantly within you quick incisive stabs into your sanctum ..bringing back the violent reactions that followed the pain the loss of rationale for a pain that looks so insignificant now.....the stabs do not fail to reach their mark ...Guilt oozes out relentlessly......n you think this will stay with me forever....and yet it does not.......what values r u made off ..what convictions will you ever stand up for ....are u a hypocrite ........the mind wanders........