to where the mind roams free ......the voice had a charm that inadvertently had my head tilting...distracting me from the conversation which even at its birth was destined for an anonymous existence and premature death.....the muffled burst of words conveyed the elation ...a smirk .......a jest .......a challenge .......provocative intent underlying the rippling sound of laughter filtering across the room pushing at every eardrum to trigger a response in the nerves leading to left side of the cortex.....a grimace escaped the fairer sex in our group yet she continued on about how the bullish trends were expected to rule the market ...unfortunately i was not there anymore.... i vanished...... sublimation personified......the glitter of a diamond in a red earlobe concealed exposed hidden reborn ... a game... a series.... a sequence not yet defined by the mathematicians of fibonacci fame... her face hidden momentarily by the cumulo nimbus black threatening curls ...it was going to rain today....the breeze had the smell of first drops on parched land "Saundhi Saundhi Khushboo"..the white acrylic nails flashed like lightening as the ivory hand stroked an erring strand back into the dark congregation ....and just as it had eveolved almost magically the skies cleared ...the forehead prominent sliding into a pair of eyes which held a world within..the eyelashes enclosing the Kohinoors added a calmness a serenity a tranquility to the fire emanating from within ... i stood drenched by the incessant downpour floundering for words from a self proclaimed repertoire as i saw her walk past me......her frame swaying effortlessly....She walks in beauty...... a smile broke thru my lips as i stood reflecting upon the effect a woman had on me .....shameless...ridiculous..insane....word synonymous with my name that moment... i turned abruptly as if fleeing from a self confessed crime only to come face to face with the instigator.......its was time to shiver n dance in the rain ,there was no shelter in sight n i was looking for none.....
An hour later i was still with her n from a distance was still the cynosure of all eyes...we parted with a smile.... a brief embrace ....a hug non consequential otherwise but for the slandering eyes upon us.....i made my way alone towards the Patio thanking the hosts a true act of gratitude
...."i hope u enjoyed " the hostess beamed knowing it was one of those enquiries which had only one answer as always...."did u meet someone interesting?"......
Sometimes when opposites attract they do so till brought close together and yet once close enough the repulsion begins even as the distance decreases further....and further...the closer u get the more affirmed you stand that this was not meant to be...there is no feeling of hopelessness, no pangs of dejection ,no regretfulness...replaced within u is an aura of Positivity that both just met coz we had to meet there was no more to it than it was and will remain where we left it .....anonymous now n forever only to fade into memory...just like the conversation i had left for her
"Yes" i replied, "i did not meet someone" ............
to where the mind roams free ......shadows in the dark...the redness of the orb dying with the cold pungent breeze..the sodium vapour blurs back into life...nightlife begins so does my evening with the evoulution of a thought ..a derivative actually of the loneliness.. the desolate feeling diffusing into me...feelings...... how pure are they...what is pure...which one is pure...the tingling sensation spreading across my palate as the cheese "pakora" melts down into the intricacy of injestion..mmm..this feeling is this pure...as a bong it is taken for granted that fish is what runs in my intestines yet surprisingly my father is allergic to fish and so was i till ...the mustard curry of prawns fed as an irresistable temptation by "ma" gave my taste buds a new lease of life..now i can say i have developed a tatse for fish too...naah!! this feeling as such can be procured and as per the definition of "PURE" it cant be it..for Pure form cannot be created or developed from or by anything ...it exists as the most basic form....flashes of euphoria at my first chess tournament selection ..my last day of examinations knowing never gain would i have to go through those courses again..my first job...first love....Happiness.... is happiness pure but isnt it true with growing years we have to find ways to be happy ...happiness is not effortfree..in fact in every form of happiness intrinsic is the underlying effort inserted ..an effort to fulfill our desires.and sometimes we find happiness in others desires....No surely happiness cannot be pure....so cant be tears or sorrow ..we cry on death and on birth..we cry on failure and success..it is a form in which sometimes our innermost feelings are betrayed to the alien..but not Pure...mmm ...tossing in my thoughts the restlessness grew on my being the insensitive harsh hand oblivious to its cruelty broke the inertia of the chalice propelling it to the ground.....shattering the peace and the white clay into pieces ..instinctively my awakened fearfull erring hand tried to undo the chaos..groping in the dark...searching ...till i found my answer....a piercing pain as the potter stood avenged...his clay incisively cutting thru my flesh....the feeling of pain....true pure..unblemished by age..untouched by pretence.. diplomacy...facade of expressions...i felt united once again with purity...i felt like a newborn child ... i had found purity in its most elementary form
a thousand knots it blows past you ........the flash of a glimpse of the blurring outline.... the contours taking an uncharacteristic detour...the extended defiant growth against gravity looming larger than life causing the senses to challenge each other at the vicissitude of a window flying by of a moving room with a view.... the reverberation of which reminds you that the room is dynamic much in contrast to your own static self...look down to see the ground below your feet vanishing ...a race against time...yet you do not fall to the contrary you dwelve further into my reverie and see a mirror image of your self running... competing ...trying valliantly to run the moving room down.....to a screeching halt... vision's rationality restored will it be?you search around you ...find your mind gliding over a field of white and then blood red roses..the roses fade into petals showered over a white concealer...the heart skips more than a panicked beat your uneasy fangs reach to liberate the hidden...........aahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! the moment u alway knew would come the expected yet unaccepted thought of Death of a life .....a life so close..... so loyal .....so unselfish..a life from whom the embryo was impregnated to propell a new life form "you" into the mortal world...the panic creeps slowly down your spine.. you desperately try n break free.....the running room again ..i can hear ......the hooter of the running room... hands with curved fingers beg to be picked up... to be cleansed from the vision.....
the alarm on the mobile kept by your side replaces the hooter of the moving room ....you rush to ascertain the change of guard of the patriarchy of your household and find the sight of your patriarch deep in slumber bring down a rain of relief.... it was dream...it sure was... a smile chuckle breaks between your two paired jaws.......sanity revisits ....saved by the alarm....the alrm ..o yes the tennis match with my friend .....time ....u reach for your saviour your mobile...a message awaits ...."sorry Sheel, cant make it for the match or work for a week ....dad passed away in his sleep yesterday night..Shiv"
to where the mind roams free ...... to talk to your heart's content is to talk your heart out and when you speak from the heart you realise what a dumping ground the heart has become n how burdened the small fist sized organ has always been..(someone reminded me ).......so used to are we to deleting cookies,temp folders n emptying the recycle bin that wen all of a sudden your heart is unburdened of all the dumps ..the heart feels so much lighter you almost have a bounce in every step in every beat .........your deamons all at bay you feel reborn the fire within you rekindled......or as they say you reach an enlightened state........
i had read in OSHO books,books about meditation ,yoga gurus doctrines and the chineese methods of freeing the soul where you literally can detach yourself from your body and fly beyond the laws of gravity... a so called out of the body experience ...its short lived ...sadly for the fangs of reality bite into you to bring you down where the two coincide the mortal body and the caged burdened soul...so when do we attain nirvana.....well the path is simple......imagine urself in a state of the unburdened heart...where your soul rises a feet or two above the mortal flesh sitting below with folded legs and arms and you looking down upon seperating medium between the two......iddentify that medium(desires ,expectations,aspirations ,grudges,rejections,failures,anger,greed,lust....) it is different for each one of us .....it is that that keeps us from elevating our mortal body and merging with the elevated soul that is a feet above the ground ....to be able to superimpose your mortal body with your elevated soul is to attain Nirvana.....MOKSHA
Omnipotent .....an impulsive companion .....a misleading lover....a bored worker.....a forgetfull husband......an evading wife.....lies are a reality hate it love it you just cant deny or run away from it...what is amazing is it generally can be carried off with elan without the blink or batter of the eyelid but the worst is that for all the times it fails n flounders it makes you regret, it makes you swear to leave it alone ...it brings u to your knees to escape the consequences of the truth of being caught out ...sadly fate shows no mercy......imagine walking past a maze of faces and carrying a face with you twelve blocks after the actual intersection letting your mind dive & dwelve in and out of the darker shades of your nature...giving in to the temptations of lust desire a pseudo orgasmic experience.....and then snapping out of it ..gasping for air.. a bead of sweat appearing on ur forehead...cheeks yeilding to the observant eye the betrayal of loyalty...."hey you ok wat happened????"... you hear a voice adding to the tension but by then as if instinctively you have your saviour by your side ...your impulsive companion........a lie
.....fanthom living thru your b'day celebrations which as you have grown up have been reduced from inhouse parties to a blast at the most happening disc in town ...the free flow of vodka n Smirnoff some spilling over on to your spirit ...your sense of judgement...blurring the line of what is acceptable as a part of chilled out behaviour of a gang hanging out....living life to others as if its the last night out and suddenly on the dance floor you come across an old falme ....the converstaion begins off where it had been halted....you lose sense of time n suddenly you feel ur spouse's hand on ur shoulder ....."who was that"...."o just a person i knew from college"...the misleading lie ...where u gain solace from the fact that you did not lie yet did not speak the whole truth.......
what lies beneath is the effort to preserve the present so as to protect the future... the means to an end is said is not important ....quite true....but then why try to justify that what u did was the right when its not...... relativity is a theory when applied to life takes away the power to judge n decide for from the other side of the court we all stand guilty as charged
what you see is what you get.......how much of what one sees does one get ....and when it boils down to the mathematics and statistics of it the denominator is always expectations......expectations...mmm.....demure little word.....seemingly insignificant..........inane....frail by its existence ..and yet so hopelessly unachieveable...imagine the plight of a child of not being able to live up to his parenst expectations.....the anger of a girl whose expectations her boyfriend shattered....the plight of a son who as a doctor could do nothing for his dying dad and has to face the look of expectation in his mother's eye......and when i compare these to mine ...my expectations which i ...like a teller in a bank keep counting n recounting as to which were debited and which were not...it overshadows the credit i have in my relationship...and over powers my senses to the extent that i am blinded by emotions of hurt.....of sacrifice.....of not being recognised...and i find me consoling myself.......never mind ..it takes all kind of people to make this world the world which God created with a purpose and where each man has a part to play......the only question that i shout out to the eternity above... to the vast expanses that lay unconquered in the dark starlit sky above again and again as if i will find an answer and better still a messiah....is ......WHY Me....of all people why me ........i hope to find the answer coz i cannot die without it nor abandon the thought the reason choosing me
rejection is the first step to healing of kinds .....the cut was always there ...blood oozing out relentlessly ... but rejecting someone ...its like the formation of a scab ...at first u think the blood flow,the pain will never stop..but it does .....then u think "my god its like a red scar i am marked for life the black scab is here to stay "...yet it peels off .....the white endodermis turns red then the mark fades into memory just like the person we reject......and sometimes only sometimes the mind wanders the hand searches to feel the hurt... the pain ...the wound...... the conscience stirs unplesantly within you quick incisive stabs into your sanctum ..bringing back the violent reactions that followed the pain the loss of rationale for a pain that looks so insignificant now.....the stabs do not fail to reach their mark ...Guilt oozes out relentlessly......n you think this will stay with me forever....and yet it does not.......what values r u made off ..what convictions will you ever stand up for ....are u a hypocrite ........the mind wanders........
